How to Navigate Your Feelings When “It’s Not Personal”
We’ve all been there. Someone we care about does something that makes us feel sad, disappointed, and possibly question how they really feel about us. I remember receiving last minute declines to my already-one-year-postponed pandemic wedding as the Delta variant began to rise last summer. My logical brain knew that even though we had safety precautions in place, some of my loved ones had to make an incredibly tough decision to prioritize their health instead of taking the risk of attending my wedding. Their decisions were not personal. At times, however, it felt extremely personal to my emotional brain.
My inner child abandonment wounds rose to the surface, wondering, “Am I not important enough to them to be there?” My adult therapist-self would quickly jump in and respond, “Of course you are important to them; however, you need to respect their needs & boundaries for personal health and safety.” This inner dialogue and reframing of my disappointment may come easy to me now; however, it took a lot of practice and self-reflection to get there.
Many of my clients feel stuck in their emotional response. Their thoughts that question their loved one’s feelings about them often keep them in a loop that gradually turns it into, “They must not really care about me.” The next time you experience this feeling, whether it be a friend canceling plans or a family member being unable to show up for you when you need them, remember these tips to help you navigate your emotional response:
Clarify assumptions
Our immediate emotional reactions may lead us to assume someone else’s intent. If we don’t challenge or clarify our assumptions, we are telling ourselves a story that could likely be false! If you are concerned that someone is making a decision due to their feelings about you - ask them! They deserve the space to let you know exactly what is happening in their lives that has informed their decisions.
Understand how your personal history of trauma and anxiety may be influencing your feelings
When you grow up in an environment where a parent was not always present and consistent with your needs, you may experience increased feelings of anxiety in relationships throughout life. When that trauma feels reenacted through someone not being present to you and your needs as an adult, it brings up big feelings! It is important to reflect on how your emotional responses are rooted in your childhood wounds.
Use a Both/And Approach
Your emotions are always valid. When it comes to not taking things personally, it is important to remember that you can feel sad and disappointed that someone is unable to be present in the way you’d like AND understand their needs and boundaries. When you allow those feelings to co-exist, you are honoring the relationship by validating your feelings, while also validating the feelings and needs of your loved one.
Express your needs going forward
It is common to hold in our feelings and needs when we feel hurt by the actions of others; however, it is very important to communicate what we need in the relationship going forward. Here are a few scripts to communicate this effectively:
I’m sad you won’t be able to make it this time, but I understand. I’d still really like to see you soon. When are you available to hang in the coming weeks?
I’m feeling disconnected from you lately. It would mean a lot if we could make a plan to reconnect soon.
It is important to state your feelings, then name your needs going forward. This fosters increased connection without ignoring our needs in the relationship.
It takes a lot of self-reflection to navigate these relational challenges. It is so helpful to have support as we navigate all moments of tension, conflict, and big emotions within our relationships. Click here to schedule an intro call with Megan and you will be that much closer towards creating connections and deepening your relationships.
